Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Blogger's Block turns to Farting

I just read a great post from the hilarious Chiz at Chiz Chat about writer's block and the problem of distractions. I seem to be having Blogger's Block. I can't seem to think of anything interesting to blog about.

I am having no problem with my writing projects: I am in the middle of editing a piece for the Anthology my writing group is self-publishing; I cannot wait to get back to my memoir and am constantly re-writing scenes in my head as I walk the dog and drive in my car. Sadly, all my genius prose is lost as I seem to have the memory of a gnat. One day I will learn to use the voice notetaking thingy on my phone.



But I feel at a loss to know what to blog about.

What would be interesting? I loved the A-Z Challenge as it gave me something to base a post on every day, even if most of the time I wrote utter nonsense. Which, I suppose, brings me to the fact that I haven't really decided what my blog is about. 
 
I thought about writing about my busy weekend gardening, but that would probably be as interesting as watching the slugs grow, which eventually eat my lovely plants. I could write about the delightful hour spent taking my son to find a model spaceship, but I wanted to poke my eyes out with a sharp stick it was so boring. I could write about going grocery shopping with my husband on Friday where they know us by name and say hello to us as we walk around the store(Jeez, can my life get any more predictable?), but you would probably poke your eyes out. I could write about all the delicious food we cooked over the weekend, but you really needed to be there to eat it (and then I would have made you wash up afterwards). I could write about my night out with my writing group to see Emotional Creature at Berkeley theatre (actually, that was interesting).

But I thought, instead, I would talk about night farts. Yes, you read correctly. Night farts. How embarrassing are they? What is it about being fast asleep and looking as sweet and innocent as a newborn baby, and then having this disgusting, putrid air escape from your bum without you even knowing anything about it? It's bad enough when you just have the cat jump off the bed in disgust, but when there is another person in the bed with you, well, it's just too humilating. I think it's the thought of having no control over your own bottom. It just emits a toxic gas without you even pushing a sneaky one out.

When I first got together with my husband, I wouldn't dream of farting in front of him. I would pretend to go to the loo and let it out there. Or, if I didn't think I would make it in time, I would cough loudly instead (luckily he is a bit deaf so he didn't notice the difference). Now, a mere three and a half years into our marriage, here I am puffing out bottom burps like Thomas the Tank engine. But what can you do about your body turning traitor on you when you're asleep? It's mortifying and very unladylike. And you all know what a 'lady' I am! 

Does anyone else have this problem? Not that you'd admit to it or, in fact, even know about it, unless your other half is as ungentlemanly as mine and tells you how much you were farting the other night.

What is more embarrassing - night farts or day farts?

36 comments:

  1. Have you noticed Claire, that all those complaining of writer's block (me included) took part in the A-Z Challenge? It's like total mind burn out. Maybe we can get it classed as a new medical condition.

    On the subject of trumping, I am a perpetual farter and I enjoy it too. I like to release a healthy dose of methane in the morning (Spawn is lying when he says that it sounds like a motorbike engine revving up)and a few little ones throughout the day. Better out than in, I say. Though I have never ever farted in front of a partner...or the local priest.

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    1. Yes, Lily, "A-Z-itis" - we should all band together and give suggestions of what to blog about!
      Ha ha re your perpetual farting - so it's not just those pesky cows releasing methane that are taking down the ozone layer then?!

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  2. I had to laugh at your posting, just like you I never ever did it in front of anyone, but my husband changed me overnight.... ok, it took him 16 years to bring me down to his level :-) I still don't do it in mixed company.... God! in front of the local priest, Lily..lol.

    Whether it's my age... (I'm over hill now, but nowhere near death yet.) Just lately I seem to be doing a lot of it which I hate. I'm not sure whether it's because of my change of diet... In to healthy living now I'm a struggling writer and living on one wage, or it just old age. :-)

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    1. I hear a theme of old age creeping into my comments. Arrrgh! Perhaps we should form the "Writers With Wind" support group!!

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  3. LMAO my night farts no longer scare the cats away, they barely even raise their head to me any more hahahaha And you know holding it in is bad for you, as gas builds up and such, so let it rip, doesn't bother me, of course in a place like work I sneak them out haha

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    1. Aha you are the SBD one in the corner, then?!! The cat definitely strikes me as one who is soooo not scared of anything!

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  4. LoL Great post.

    My husband and I create toxic levels under the covers all night long with no embarrassment at this point (10 years married). Though my husband has me beat hands down. He uses a C-Pap machine to breathe at night, but sometimes (often!) it pumps as much air into his GI tract as well as his lungs. What goes in, must come out...

    For me, day farts are the worst, especially when you are meeting a new client for the first time face-to-face and that cheap hotel breakfast you choked down didn't settle well...

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    1. OMG is a C-Pap machine one of those weird machines on Mike and Molly?! How funny. Lmao re the breakfast farting!

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  5. Hilarious! Haven't had to resort to that topic yet on my blog.

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    1. Ha! Give it time, Alex, give it time!! You just have much stronger will power than me, obviously.

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  6. Day farts definitely trump night farts. Especially day farts in church. (Gives a whole new meaning to "church pew".) Dunno about night farts. I reckon I must sleep through them. My cats don't complain. Neither does my hubby, who, by the way, is always oh-so-kind about flapping the covers to share the fragrant labors of his own behind with me.

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    1. Ha ha 'church pew' ! I remember farting in church when I was made to go at school and the whole congregation turned and stared at me in horror. Probably one of the reasons I don't go now!!

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  7. Tree in the forest idiom - If one farts in the middle of the night, and another is sleep and can't hear it, did one really fart? I'm going to go with day farts. I will totally fart in front of my husband on purpose but the one that escapes unintentionally like with a sneeze or bending over to tie my shoe - now those are embarrassing.

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    1. Love the forest idiom!
      Yes, I know what you mean about the ones that escape accidentally. The lack of control over my own body seems so horrible.

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  8. LOL...If you're worried about the subject just check out Jenny Hansen and Natalie Hartford's blogs, where no subject is taboo, I kid you not :D

    Day farts trump night farts. After 14+ years together, That Man and I have passed the embarrassment stage of our relationship. I'm definitely aware of more tooting as I've gotten older :sigh: the indignity of it all.

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    1. Ooh will def check them out. You are gonna have to join the WWW club (see above comment!) - yay!

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  9. I agree with Lily. The A to Z Challenge definitely took the wind out of my sails.

    As for the night farts, yes, I most certainly get the night farts. I actually woke me and my girlfriend up with a night fart. Now that's pretty bad.

    And, thanks for the shout out, Claire!

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    1. Ha ha woke you both up?!! Now that's funny.
      What shall we all do with our A-Z-itis? Shall we start our own blog challenge and set ridiculous challenges for each other?

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  10. Lol, I love it. If all else fails resort to farting. I must admit to often being prone to this sin at night time. My wife doesn't know which is worse, the farting or the snoring!

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    1. I know, it's sad, isn't it? My mind instantly goes to lavatorial topics.
      And the night time stuff just seems to get worse with age. I am soooo not looking forward to the sharting stage!!

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  11. First off you've clearly hit a universal nerve with this one. So many comments so quickly! Secondly I think the often deafening silence around night farts makes them worse, and thirdly, I'd gladly join Writers With Wind!

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    1. Ha ha Bridget - yes, I hadn't thought about the quiet, you're right!
      Yay! The WWWs are off!

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  12. LOL Talk about a problem. I'm not sure if I have this issue because noone has ever told me!! An easy solution? Make him fall asleep first ;) lol

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    1. Ha ha but what if they wake up in the middle of the night as my hubby frequently does?

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  13. Stop. *laughing hysterically* So flipp'n true.

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  14. I struggle with blogging, too. I have no idea what I am going to write about until I sit down and stare at the screen.

    So glad I don't have to share my room. That is the one thing about men I don't miss!

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    1. Glad I'm not the only one.
      Yes, coz they night fart too!!!

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  15. Claire...what is foremost funny is that I couldn't remember where we were friends or how to find your post about going on vacation and finding out that it was a nakie hot springs...I find you on twitter, and see that your recent posts are, again, about farting.

    Is that not the last hysterical conversation we had? About farting, words, and defense against children large and small?

    I still haven't had time to message or blog you about an escalator flatulance bad day that I had that, thank God, became funny in my mind anyway, because otherwise it would have been an afternoon hiding in bed pretending that I can be old now.

    ugh. way to distract me again Claire (and Chiz Chat)!

    Damn. What was I looking for?

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    1. Thanks Kate. I have most of my writing pieces up on Scribd (link on the right). Yes, I am a bit obsessed with farting and all things lavatorial. Never grew up from boarding school, I think!
      I REALLY need to hear about your escalator flatulance - how about a guest blog here?? You are gonna have to be part of WWW (Writers With Wind) too - Yay!

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  16. Ha ha! I have to say day farts because sometimes no matter how hard you try someone walks into the toxic air flow and you get BUSTED! Love your sense of humor.

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  17. I don't believe you can fart when you're asleep because the muscles are paralysed. It happens when you wake up. The options are: 1) jump out of bed and fart against the wall; 2) sneak it out quietly and hope he doesn't smell it; 3) create a Dutch oven to punish him.

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    1. LOL Dutch ovens! I've had that done to me in the past and it's horrible!

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    Though I must admit, I've no idea what you all are going on about.

    ;-)

    Some Dark Romantic

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    ReplyDelete