A - Z: U - Useful and Useless

 

U is for Useful and Useless

Useful: Lefty Loosey, Righty TightyBeing a rather Unorganised, but Ultroneous (that's spontaneous to the Uneducated) person, I obviously have not properly thought through this A-Z Challenge. Apart from the first 3 or 4 posts, I have not written posts ahead of time. I have not even listed ideas of what I might write. It has been an interesting exercise in thinking on my feet, to say the least. So, as we arrive at the bottom end of the alphabet and the letters become a bit more difficult, I find myself somewhat panicking. What do to with 'U'? Ultimately, what Utter nonsense will I come up this time? Not one to disappoint, I have decided to Unearth and Unlease and, wait for it, Unbosom some Useful tips and some Useless sayings for your general amusement and jollification.

I thought this was a ridiculous saying when my husband first said it and mocked him cruelly. Now I know the error of my ways as it is the ONLY way I can tell how to turn something on or off. I find myself saying it to others. Does this mean I am now officially "An Old Fart"?



Useless: Go play in traffic

This is not good advice. Don't say it to your children, all you impatient, stressy adults out there (who, me??). I would not advocate this as a playground of choice. All that dodging in and out of cars is just so exhausting and the ball tends to get flattened on a regular basis by juggernauts. Not to mention the hospital bills are really not worth the adreneline rush.

Useful: How to remove the remains of a broken lightbulb

If you are a klutz like me, you have no doubt broken a lightbulb at one point or another trying to wrestle it free from it's rusted fitting and are left only with the sharp remains and nothing to grip onto. Again, hubby to the rescue. Simple: just find a suitably size carrot, insert into the remains of the lightbulb and hey, presto, out it comes. And no bloody fingers!

Useless: Go and get stuffed!

Again, not a great suggestion to follow. I tried various forms of stuffing - chicken, pork, turkey - but all were messy and, quite frankly, rather unpleasant. I don't know how those poor chickens put up with it. Whoever thought this was a good idea needs a jolly good spanking.





Useful: How to get greasy oven racks and BBQs clean

This is a very useful little tip that I discovered when I hired a company to clean my oven one Christmas when the toxic fumes were poisoning everyone ("self-cleaning" my arse!). Immerse the racks in warm water and laundry detergent (preferably not the gentle environmentally friendly kind) and soak overnight or at least for a few hours. The dirt and grease just falls off.

Useless: As pissed as a fart

I'm sorry, but is it physically possible for a fart to get pissed? How you ever seen a pissed fart? I've certainly smelled a pissed fart (and let me tell you, beery bottom burps are particuarly putrid) but I have yet to actually see one. This saying is about as welcome as a fart in a telephone box ... and let me tell you, that would not be welcome at all ... especially if it was pissed into the bargain.

Useful: How to remember the colours of the rainbow

There are a number of sayings to help you remember the order of the colours of the rainbow - Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Indigo Violet. My hubby knows them by: Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain

But there are others I found:

• Rusty Old Yachts Gather barnacles In Venice
• Read Only Your Good Books In Valhalla
• Roy G. Biv
• Remember Only Young Girls Burn In Vanity
• Ripe Onions You've Grated Boiled In Vinegar

Not to be outdone, I've come up with my own:

• Randy Obnoxious Yobs Grabbing Busty Inebriated Virgins

Useless: As happy as a pig in shit

Excuse me, on behalf of all pigs out there, they are not happy in shit! They might like a bit of a slide around in some mud, but hey, who doesn't like some semi-naked mud wrestling? But enough of that. Where was I? Oh yes, pigs in poo. So I think this is really a bit mean, coz if a pig does have to be trotter deep in turds I'm damn sure it is not a happy bacon sandwich porkie pie bunny. I know if I was made to play in my own excrement, I would not be jumping up and down with joy splattering shit everywhere.

So what Useful or Useless tips have you got for me? (Apart from writing shorter bloody posts, that is!)