Tuesday, April 24, 2012

A - Z: U - Useful and Useless

 



U is for Useful and Useless



Useful: Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty
Being a rather Unorganised, but Ultroneous (that's spontaneous to the Uneducated) person, I obviously have not properly thought through this A-Z Challenge. Apart from the first 3 or 4 posts, I have not written posts ahead of time. I have not even listed ideas of what I might write. It has been an interesting exercise in thinking on my feet, to say the least. So, as we arrive at the bottom end of the alphabet and the letters become a bit more difficult, I find myself somewhat panicking. What do to with 'U'? Ultimately, what Utter nonsense will I come up this time? Not one to disappoint, I have decided to Unearth and Unlease and, wait for it, Unbosom some Useful tips and some Useless sayings for your general amusement and jollification.
I thought this was a ridiculous saying when my husband first said it and mocked him cruelly. Now I know the error of my ways as it is the ONLY way I can tell how to turn something on or off. I find myself saying it to others. Does this mean I am now officially "An Old Fart"?



Useless: Go play in traffic
This is not good advice. Don't say it to your children, all you impatient, stressy adults out there (who, me??). I would not advocate this as a playground of choice. All that dodging in and out of cars is just so exhausting and the ball tends to get flattened on a regular basis by juggernauts. Not to mention the hospital bills are really not worth the adreneline rush.

Useful: How to remove the remains of a broken lightbulb

If you are a klutz like me, you have no doubt broken a lightbulb at one point or another trying to wrestle it free from it's rusted fitting and are left only with the sharp remains and nothing to grip onto. Again, hubby to the rescue. Simple: just find a suitably size carrot, insert into the remains of the lightbulb and hey, presto, out it comes. And no bloody fingers!




Useless: Go and get stuffed!

Again, not a great suggestion to follow. I tried various forms of stuffing - chicken, pork, turkey - but all were messy and, quite frankly, rather unpleasant. I don't know how those poor chickens put up with it. Whoever thought this was a good idea needs a jolly good spanking.





Useful: How to get greasy oven racks and BBQs clean

This is a very useful little tip that I discovered when I hired a company to clean my oven one Christmas when the toxic fumes were poisoning everyone ("self-cleaning" my arse!). Immerse the racks in warm water and laundry detergent (preferably not the gentle environmentally friendly kind) and soak overnight or at least for a few hours. The dirt and grease just falls off.

Useless: As pissed as a fart

I'm sorry, but is it physically possible for a fart to get pissed? How you ever seen a pissed fart? I've certainly smelled a pissed fart (and let me tell you, beery bottom burps are particuarly putrid) but I have yet to actually see one. This saying is about as welcome as a fart in a telephone box ... and let me tell you, that would not be welcome at all ... especially if it was pissed into the bargain.

Useful: How to remember the colours of the rainbow

There are a number of sayings to help you remember the order of the colours of the rainbow - Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Indigo Violet. My hubby knows them by: Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain


But there are others I found:
  • Rusty Old Yachts Gather barnacles In Venice
  • Read Only Your Good Books In Valhalla
  • Roy G. Biv
  • Remember Only Young Girls Burn In Vanity
  • Ripe Onions You've Grated Boiled In Vinegar
Not to be outdone, I've come up with my own:
  • Randy Obnoxious Yobs Grabbing Busty Inebriated Virgins

Useless: As happy as a pig in shit

Excuse me, on behalf of all pigs out there, they are not happy in shit! They might like a bit of a slide around in some mud, but hey, who doesn't like some semi-naked mud wrestling? But enough of that. Where was I? Oh yes, pigs in poo. So I think this is really a bit mean, coz if a pig does have to be trotter deep in turds I'm damn sure it is not a happy bacon sandwich porkie pie bunny. I know if I was made to play in my own excrement, I would not be jumping up and down with joy splattering shit everywhere.

So what Useful or Useless tips have you got for me? (Apart from writing shorter bloody posts, that is!)

24 comments:

  1. I have tons of useless information and useless inventions posts on my blog. its kind of a passion of mine....go to my blog and search for useless.

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  2. Great post - cheered me up no end.

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  3. Obviously Americans learned the PG version of many important sayings. To be truly happy I think you have to be "Happy as a clam."
    Our husbands must have had similar training as boys. My husband has some dumb rhyme with months of the year to remember which have 30 days and which have 31. I can't for the life of me ever get it straight, so I look at the calendar. It works swell. He also uses food items to repair things. He once used a piece of bread to soak up drips while welding a water pipe in the bathroom. Perhaps not an everyday useful tip, but definitely worthy of mention.
    Thanks for the morning laughs:)

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    1. Yeah, I think us Brits have a few sayings that shock other people - I know I have to 'tone' myself down in California! I love the fact that men are so resourceful.

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  4. LMAO oh I use the pig in shit line..hahaha...use the lefty loosey one too. A pissed fart never heard that one, doesn't sound like fun.

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    1. I suppose very British expressions. Thanks Pat :)

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  5. Excellent, and here are some of my favorite tips, courtesy VIZ:

    1 Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

    2 Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

    3 Save having to buy expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.

    4 Never stand behind a sneezing cow.

    5 If you want to hang up on someone during a phone call, do it in the middle of one of your own sentences and they'll never think it was intentional.

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    1. Oh excellent! They were so funny. What a great tip re hangi ...

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  6. Awesome post! Being from America, I've only heard of a few of the sayings. I feel so enlightened now. As for the tips, I'm definitely going to try that laundry detergent on the stove trick.

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  7. LOL, you'd never know from reading it that you didn't plan this post. Brilliant! Thanks for the laugh this morning.

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    1. Thanks Raelyn, I'm getting better at writing nonsense! Just need to work on length now :)

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  8. Okay, I'm still laughing at the Things to do with a Useless Man. LOL~

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    1. Was a bit worried about offending all my lovely male readers/commenters, but then thought, hey, hopefully they are not 'useless' LOL

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  9. I'm going to try the oven cleaning tip - I have a habit of poisoning people on a regular basis, although unfortunately that's just because I'm a bad cook!

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    1. Ha ha - it does work if you use the right kind of detergent. Seems better than using harsh chemicals anyway.

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  10. Fabulous! Love the writing and...I am off to find a large carrot for the sad broken bulb I have been trying to wrest from the socket for weeks! April

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    1. Thanks April, my hubby swears by that tip.

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  11. Never kick cow shit on a hot day

    Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.

    There is no place on earth to spit.
    - Zen saying

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    1. Ha ha I haven't heard any of those. Must remember the cow shit one. Thanks :)

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  12. Aloha Claire,

    What an interesting post :)~

    New follower here... thanks for your kind comments and (hugs) to you for well, you know :)

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