A-Z Challenge: R - Rude

R is for Rude

Today I am going to briefly introduce those of that don’t know about it to Viz magazine. Well, I suppose to be more accurate, it’s more of a comic. A rude comic. In fact, a very rude comic. For adults, not kids. Definitely not for kids! It bills itself as “a rude parody of British post-war comics”.

I loved it when it first came out in the 80s and I think the Fat Slags were my favourite. It is, quite possibly, one of the least PC publications around. But I don’t really want to go on about Viz.

What I DO want to focus on is Roger's Profanisaurus, featuring one of Viz’s most vulgar and obscene speaking characters:
"Roger Mellie - the man on the telly”.  Obviously, a word play on Roget's Thesaurus (which I don’t think I could actually live without, what with all my senior moments wiping words out of my brain, like evil pixies hitting the delete key). It’s a compendium of profanity and schoolboy humour, which the publisher rates as "the foulest-mouthed book ever to stalk the face of the earth". Below are a few of it's definitions. I have tried not to pick the ones that are not toooo filthy, but still make me laugh.

Burberry apes n. Designer-clad football hooligans.

paedoscopes n. Those thick-rimmed National Health Service spectacles exclusively worn by trainspotters, scout masters and other assorted sex cases. Paedospecs.

phuq n. & v. Ingenious alternative to the word fuck which, whilst perfectly understandable, is able to evade the attentions of over-solicitous business e-mail censoring systems.

virgin poo n. The first turd laid at work after the cleaning lady has scrubbed the rim.

four-man bob n. A large, speedily-ejected turd. Possibly rocking backwards and forwards 2 or 3 times before coming out.

white-out! exclam. When two large, pale breasts are exposed.

piddle paddle n. An unconvincing and unathletic 'quick dip in the ocean' taken whilst at the seaside, where one ventures in only waist deep and emerges shortly thereafter with a refreshingly empty bladder. A seawee.

Rigsby n. A no-handed urination of such vigorous release and force that the hands can be safely placed on the hips for its duration.

national grottery, win the v. To be the lucky discoverer of a massive deposit of porn hidden under a bush, in a skip or a recently-deceased vicar's study.

TUBER acronym. medic. Doctor's shorthand written on the notes of good looking female patients. Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination Required.