A-Z Challenge: X - Xenophobia

X is for Xenophobia and others

Xenophobia: An irrational fear of foreigners or strangers

Well, although I don't have a fear of all foreigners, I feel sick to the stomach and terrified every time I spot a Californian cop. After getting four (yes, four) tickets in the three years since I got here, is it any wonder I feel a shot of guilty adreneline every time I spot one.

They're like ferocious crocodiles hiding in the swamps all day, just waiting to pounce out and catch us for the slightest infringements. They give out tickets like touts at a rock concert: driving without any due fashion sense, driving under the influence of rap music, or being in possession of a dangerously bad haircut (watch out Paul Weller). Just the sight of a CHP badge can get my heart rate going - and not in a good way. Give me the good ole English bobby any day.

Xenodocheionology: Love of hotels

Unlike my hubby, I do actually love hotels. There's something exciting about checking into a hotel that gives me a thrill every time. When we were 'courting' we ended up staying in a lot of hotels - some were lovely and some were really crap.

One in particular was utterly appalling. It's a long, funny story (and I am keenly aware of being verbose now) which will be revealed in all its awful glory in my upcoming best-selling memoir! Suffice to say, it involved pigeon shit, smokey, pokey bedrooms, broken boilers, Monty Python, an over indulgence of wine and passing out during sex. Not one of my better birthday treats and did not enable my hubby to get over his dislike of hotels.

Xerox: To copy of a document

I have a short funny story. Someone very close to me, let's call her P, was married to someone with a very small penis. She would take every opportunity to broadcast this fact to the world in various hilarious and creative ways. Luckily, her hubby had THE BEST sense of humour. One Valentine's Day she decided to photocopy a pic of her husband's dick (taken in the bath - you could just about make it out floating atop the water, like a tiny bobbing cork). Enlarging the copy, but sadly not the size of his cock, so it was huge, maybe even lifesize, she then had it personally delivered to his work. It was rolled up in a tube with a bunch of balloons tied to it. Everyone in his office was excited to see what was in the tube, and crowded round as he opened up what he thought was a lovely huge love letter. Not sure he ever lived it down!

What are you afraid of?  Any juicy hotel stories? Got an illicit photocopy of someone's bottom?